can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
