Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
