Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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