i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
