First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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