I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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