We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
