he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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