who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
