So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
