there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
