Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
