I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
