I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
