I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
