Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
