i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
