none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
