oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
