I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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