Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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