she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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