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Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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