so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
