he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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