the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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