I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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