dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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