Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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