I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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