I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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