I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
