So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
