we made out on top of his cat.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
