I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
