Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
