Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
