i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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