I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
