her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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