**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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