I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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