Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
