Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
