I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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