my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
