so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just sucked dick on a ferry
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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