im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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