I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
