When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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