there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
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I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
His nipple licking is glorious
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