12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
