he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
