come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
