Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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