you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
