i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Shame - the story of my life.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
