We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
