So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
