My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
