why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
