i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
